Size Matters

Crossover with Gundam Wing. Hiruma and Heero have a Spandex Space contest. Duo has an Idea. The world is in trouble now. Total Crack, I-1

They’d barely been at this school two hours and already Heero was regretting it.

“Mmm, strength, grip, yeah you’re perfect.” The blond weird guy with the sharp teeth grinned at them, which made the teeth a lot more obvious. “Welcome to the American Football club!”

“I’m not in any clubs,” Heero answered as evenly as he could when Duo was stifling snickers behind him.

The grin got impossibly wider. “You are now.” Hiruma pulled out a small black book and started paging delicately through it. “Let’s see now. Hm. Oh yeah.” He cackled. “Where do I fucking start? You guys are a blackmailer’s dream!”

At the word “blackmail” spinal reflex got Heero’s gun out and pointed. But then he had to stop and reprocess the whole thing, because there was an assault rifle aimed dead center at him and another at Duo.

And Hiruma was still grinning. “You’ll love football, trust me.”

Heero was having a little trouble with the combination of “blackmail” and “ball game club”. They didn’t seem like they should go together

“If you don’t mind my asking,” Duo put in, “where did you just get these from?” He tapped the muzzle, not at all put out by being held at gunpoint. Heero supposed he was used to it by now.

Hiruma lifted a brow and nodded at Heero’s skimpy tank top and shorts. “Same place he got his, probably.”

“Mysterious extra space in the spandex, gotcha.” Duo eyed the black book thoughtfully and shrugged. “Ever thought of piloting a Mobile Suit?”

Hiruma scratched his chin. “Hmm. You’d need a really big football.”

Duo shot Heero a helpless look, corners of his mouth twitching up. Heero shrugged back. They could play football for a while. It would give him a chance to find a better opening to get the drop on this guy.

Hiruma’s eyes gleamed. “I knew you’d see it my way.”

… or possibly not.

“Hey,” Duo whispered, as they followed Hiruma toward the playing fields, “what do you think would happen if we told him that Treize Kushurenada plans to shut down all football leagues around the world?”

Heero’s eyes narrowed and he smiled.

Six Months Later…

“… and the new Alliance leader has declared that his, er, Mobile Suit Football teams are available at a modest rental fee to any government, to settle political and territorial disputes. Supreme Captain Hiruma added ‘Football rules the world, ke ke ke.'” The news announcer sounded like she didn’t quite believe what she was saying, and who could blame her? But there was no arguing with facts.

Five dazed Gundam pilots stared at the screen.

“Okay,” Duo said, slowly. “Maybe that was a miscalculation.”

“It’s peace,” Heero declared. “I’ll take it.”

The door disintegrated in a storm of bullets. Hiruma appeared in it, grinning. “Found you! Get in those suits and get moving; practice starts in half an hour!”

“We resigned from that club!”

“We were never in that club!”

“I was never in that school!”

Hiruma rubbed his chin, looking elaborately innocent. It was the most unconvincing thing any of them had ever seen. “Really? Then, I wonder where these sign-up papers came from?” He fanned five forms in one hand, and everyone leaned in to look.

Their signatures were all perfectly forged.

Heero growled and went for his gun. Hiruma’s hands were full, and Heero had no intention of playing football for the rest of his life.

Only Hiruma’s hands were suddenly full of metal instead of paper, and half an arsenal was pointed at them. Quatre grabbed Heero’s wrist.

“I don’t want to die just as the war’s ended,” he said firmly.

Hiruma’s grin now showed enough teeth for any two demons. “Practice in half an hour,” he repeated.

End